What is the
definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you
had, in a way you don't understand.
does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be
do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes
instead of his own.
did the engineer cross the road?
A: Because he looked in the file and that's what he did last year.
do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold
up a road map the wrong way.
might be an engineer if ...
... choosing between
buying flowers for your wife or more RAM is a moral
... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the
... in college you thought "spring break" was metal fatigue
... the salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any
of your questions.
... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
... you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own
... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and
... you sit backwards on the amusement rides to
the special effects.
... you have saved every power cord from all your broken
... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
... you know what http:// stands for.
... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys
... you see a good design and still have to change it.
... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your
... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
... you window shop at Radio Shack.
... your laptop computer costs more than your car.
... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do for a
... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.
... you consider yourself well-dressed when your socks match.
... you buy your wife a set of matched screwdrivers for her
... you have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
... you think a "biting wit" is a fox terrier.
... you have no life - and you can prove it mathematically.
... you enjoy pain.
... you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do
... you chuckle whenever someone says "centrifugal
... you've actually used every single function on your graphing
... when you look in a mirror, you see an engineering major.
... you are working on a computer while it is sunny and 70
... you frequently whistle the theme song to MacGyver.
... you always do homework on Friday nights.
... you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the
derivative of water.
... you think in "math".
... you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
... you hesitate to look at something to avoid breaking down its
... you have a pet named after a scientist.
... you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
... you've been arrested by the ASPCA for performing the
Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
... you can't remember what's behind the EXIT
the science building.
... you bring a jacket to the lab in the summer
because of a wind-chill factor.
... you are completely addicted to caffeine.
... you avoid doing anything so as not to contribute to the
eventual heat-death of the universe.
... you consider ANY non-science course easy.
... you can prove that, according to Heisenberg, your homework
could be anywhere in the world!
... your brain's "fun" center has deteriorated from
lack of use.
... you assume that a "horse" is a "sphere"
in order to make the math easier.
... you know the second law of thermodynamics but not your shirt
... you repair your own cameras, telephones, TV's and automatic
... you say "it's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees
Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin."
... you wear a badge so you don't forget who you are.
... you rotate your tires for laughs.
... you make four sets of drawings and seven revisions before
making a bird bath.
... you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd
time this week.
... your briefcase contains a screwdriver, "Quantum
Physics" and half a sandwich.
... your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
... you ever burned down the school gym with your Science Fair
... you can translate English to Binary.
... your hero is Dilbert.
... your IQ is more than your weight.
... you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
... you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
... you have ever taken the back off of your TV just to see
... you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as
... you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were
the mission controllers.
... you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in
... you understood more than five of these indicators.
... you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your door.
... you don't find the above at all funny.
designed the human body?
Four engineers were sitting
around one day trying to figure out who designed the human body.
The first says "I think it was a Mechanical Engineer
because of all the joints and muscle and sense of balance."
The other three nod their heads and say "Yeah, could
The second says "I think
it was an Electrical Engineer because of the nervous system and
neural network." The other three nod their heads and say
"Yeah, could be."
The third says "I think it
was a Chemical Engineer because of hormonal balances and
metabolism." The other three nod their heads and say
"Yeah, could be."
The fourth snaps his fingers
and shouts out "I know, it HAD to be a Civil
engineer!" The other three ask "Why?"
"Well," he says, "who else would put a
toxic waste line through a recreational area!"
Normal people believe that ..if it
ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers
believe that: "...if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
features yet." (Scott Adams, The
* * * * *
What is the difference between
Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build
* * * * *
optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer,
the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.