Q:  What is the definition of an engineer?
A:  Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

Q:  When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A:  When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q:  What do engineers use for birth control?
A:  Their personalities.

Q:  How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A:  When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q:  Why did the engineer cross the road?
A:  Because he looked in the file and that's what he did last year.

Q:  How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A:  Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

You might be an engineer if ...
... choosing between buying flowers for your wife or more RAM is a moral dilemma.
... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
... in college you thought "spring break" was metal fatigue failure.
... the salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
... you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
... you sit backwards on the amusement rides to figure out the special effects.
... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
... you know what http:// stands for.
... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
... you see a good design and still have to change it.
... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
... you window shop at Radio Shack.
... your laptop computer costs more than your car.
... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do for a living.
... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.
... you consider yourself well-dressed when your socks match.
... you buy your wife a set of matched screwdrivers for her birthday.
... you have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
... you think a "biting wit" is a fox terrier.
... you have no life - and you can prove it mathematically.
... you enjoy pain.
... you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
... you chuckle whenever someone says "centrifugal force".
... you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
... when you look in a mirror, you see an engineering major.
... you are working on a computer while it is sunny and 70 degrees outside.
... you frequently whistle the theme song to MacGyver.
... you always do homework on Friday nights.
... you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
... you think in "math".
... you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
... you hesitate to look at something to avoid breaking down its wave function.
... you have a pet named after a scientist.
... you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
... you've been arrested by the ASPCA for performing the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
... you can't remember what's behind the EXIT door in the science building.
... you bring a jacket to the lab in the summer because of a wind-chill factor.
... you are completely addicted to caffeine.
... you avoid doing anything so as not to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
... you consider ANY non-science course easy.
... you can prove that, according to Heisenberg, your homework could be anywhere in the world!
... your brain's "fun" center has deteriorated from lack of use.
... you assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
... you know the second law of thermodynamics but not your shirt size.
... you repair your own cameras, telephones, TV's and automatic transmissions.
... you say "it's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin."
... you wear a badge so you don't forget who you are.
... you rotate your tires for laughs.
... you make four sets of drawings and seven revisions before making a bird bath.
... you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
... your briefcase contains a screwdriver, "Quantum Physics" and half a sandwich.
... your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
... you ever burned down the school gym with your Science Fair project.
... you can translate English to Binary.
... your hero is Dilbert.
... your IQ is more than your weight.
... you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
... you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
... you have ever taken the back off of your TV just to see what's inside.
... you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is".
... you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
... you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
... you understood more than five of these indicators.
... you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your door.
... you don't find the above at all funny.

Who designed the human body?

Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out who designed the human body.  The first says "I think it was a Mechanical Engineer because of all the joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nod their heads and say "Yeah, could be."

The second says "I think it was an Electrical Engineer because of the nervous system and neural network." The other three nod their heads and say "Yeah, could be."

The third says "I think it was a Chemical Engineer because of hormonal balances and metabolism."  The other three nod their heads and say "Yeah, could be."

The fourth snaps his fingers and shouts out "I know, it HAD to be a Civil engineer!" The other three ask "Why?"   "Well," he says, "who else would put a sewage treatment plant through a recreational area!"