The Light Side

You know you're too serious about computers if …

... you did an error-free installation of Windows '2000
... your modem starts smoking
... you log-off your system only because it's time to go to work
... you call in sick because you found a great new internet site
... you can type your 10 favorite internet sites by heart
... you can locate a particular home page without using a search engine
... you can write your own html page
... you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of envelopes
... you check your e-mail on the way back to bed from the bathroom at 2 a.m.
... you have your e-mail address printed on your stationary
... you insist on seeing the movie "The Net" for the 63rd time
... you maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses
... you use more than 20 passwords
... you set up your own Web page
... you set up a Web page for each of your kids and your pets
... you ask someone for their e-mail address instead of their phone number
... you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service than look out the window
... you start using phrases like "hungry.must-eat.food.now@home"
... you order most of what you buy... online
... your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours
... you find yourself engaged to someone you've never met except through e-mail
... you log-off from your newsgroup and your log reads: "online time: 56 hours 24 minutes"
... you look for file/save command when someone tells you to remember something
... No one can reach you by phone since your computer is always online

A man was wandering in the woods pondering all the questions of life, the universe and his personal problems. He couldn't find any answers so he sought help from God.

"God? God? Are you there God?!", he shouted.
God responded, "What is it my son?"
"I have a few questions … mind if I ask?"
"Go right ahead, my son … anything."
"God, what is a million years to you?"
"My son, a million years to me is only a second."
"Hmmm...", he thought. "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is only worth a penny."
The man lifted his eyebrows and proceeded to ask a final question, "God, can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure … in a second."

THE MEANING BEHIND THE JARGON
What the engineer says:	What he really means:
A number of different approaches are being tried	We are still pissing in the wind.
Extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem	We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
Close project coordination	We know who to blame.
Major technological breakthrough	It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
Customer satisfaction is delivered assured	We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive	The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
Test results were extremely gratifying	We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned	The only person who understood the thing quit.
It's in process	It's so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
We will look into it	Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
Please note and initial	Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
Give us the benefit of your thinking	We'll listen to what you have to say as long as we don't have to change what we've already done.
Give us your interpretation	I can't wait to hear this bull!
See me/let's discuss	Come into my office, I'm lonely.
All new	Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
Rugged	Too damn heavy to lift!
Lightweight	Lighter than RUGGED.
Years of development	One finally worked.
Energy saving	Achieved when the power switch is off.
Low maintenance	Impossible to fix if broken.

New "American" Computer Viruses:

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to mysteriously reappear a year later in another directory.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system but you can't prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

AL GORE VIRUS: Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. Warns you of impending hard disk attack ... once if by LAN; twice if by C:\.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus" but calls itself an "electronic micro-organism".

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but you can't figyour outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but each claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (+/- 3.5% margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after one byte.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.

TITANIC VIRUS (a strain of Lewinski virus): Your whole computer goes down.

DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS: Only attacks minor files.

LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards through windows.

VIAGRA VIRUS: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy ... then self destructs, only to resurface all across rural America.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.