The Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Aha, you're an engineer; you've come to the wrong place."  So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.  Soon he becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements.  After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"  Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.  We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?  That's a mistake ... he should never have been sent down there.  Send him back."  Satan says, "No way.  I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."  Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right ... and just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

The Execution

In some foreign country, a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.  The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens.  He declares that he's been saved by divine intervention and he's let go.  The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime he is set free too.  Then they grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine.  He looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see a kink in the chain ..."

A Great Deal

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.  She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"  The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice.  The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

About Fidelity ...

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.  The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.  The engineer said, "I like both.  If you have a wife and a mistress, they each assume you are spending time with the other woman and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

Earth to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars.  The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth. 

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.  "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater – Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.  "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

The Retired Engineer

An engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical, retired after serving his company loyally for over 30 years.  One day the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."  The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: "One chalk mark, $1.00. Knowing where to put it $49,999.00."

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

The Frog Princess

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Listen, I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog ... now that's cool."